[Gordon Steadman]

A symphony director felt really depressed after a concert totally went south so he decided to commit suicide by sticking his baton in an electrical outlet....
But nothing happened..
He was a bad conductor...

Ah rats  

I was going to do that but with the conductor who kept throwing people off his bus!! The electric chair failed to kill him obviously.

[richardtheforth]

My wife says I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid but I told her I can stop at any time.

[Gordon Steadman]

A British 'one-two-three' cat had a swimming race against a French 'un-deux-trois' cat.
The one-two-three cat reached the finish, while the un-deux-trois cat sank

[Gordon Steadman]

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books. The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made. Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement. They ask him what is wrong and he says "the word is CELEBRATE, not CELIBATE!"

[Fluff]

Two guys in the jungle photographing lions when one of the lions charges at them .One guy opens his rucksack and puts on some Nike trainers ,the other guy says ,you can't outrun a lion with them ,first guy says ,as long as I can outrun you , that's all that matters .

[Scuderia_Turini]

I was at the Edinburgh Festival Fringe and got speaking to a guy who turned out to be a car designer in France. He told me that they were in collaboration with a Japanese company to produce a new model with a target marketplace of families who need a medium sized car that can be used for all the family's recreational, sports and social needs, including taking the grand-parents to church on Sunday. Its going to be called the Hatchback of Notre Dame.
Anonymous

[Fluff]

The hunchback of Notre dame used to iron his shirts over an upturned wok !!

[Gordon Steadman]

A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

[Gordon Steadman]

A Roman walks into a bar,  holds up two fingers, and says:  “Five beers, please.”

[CMOTD]

You know you are a redneck when you think the last four words of the American national anthem are "gentlemen start your engines."